Trickster
Grief is a tricky little thing. It has got the best of me at the moment, so, like I have very wisely been advised to, I am letting it work me over a bit. Writing a post that will most likely never be published usually helps (it has proven helpful so many times over the past two months) so I will write this one now.
I have an interesting relationship with my own mind. This is a conversation that I have had somewhat frequently with myself since we lost our baby Leah.
"I feel so sad"
"Well, you should get over it, because this isn't that bad, there are lots of people who have harder things going on in their lives"
"But, I feel so sad"
"Well, you shouldn't be that sad. You should recognize all the tender mercies that have wrapped this entire experience into something you can actually feel peace and comfort about"
"I do, But, I still feel sad sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment, sorrow, regret, longing...actually physically hurts. My heart really, actually feels pain...it aches, and sometimes tears come from out of nowhere.
"Well, that's makes you normal. Life will be full of disappointments. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, no matter how disappointed you might feel in life, no matter what, the church is true. And Sorrow is an important part of life too- How else can we learn to rely on the Savior? How better to understand the Atonement? How else would we learn empathy for others? Regret? Now that is just plain stupid. You did everything you could to give your baby the best chance possible. You wrote doctors all over Washington about possible treatments, you prayed with every ounce of faith you had, you stayed in bed for 6 full weeks, only allowing 5 min showers twice/week, drinking insane amounts of water...You did everything you could. Longing? Of course you long for your baby. But this is only temporary. The promises are there if the covenants are kept. Just be patient...its really not that far away.
"I know, but it still hurts, and sometimes I still want to cry"
"Then cry. Cry as much as you need to- there is nothing wrong with that. No one will judge you for that. No one expects you to be so strong that you don't hurt sometimes. No one will think you're overly emotional if you still have hard moments only two months after you buried your baby. Its ok- cry. Sob if you have to. Just try not to cry in front of your 2 year old- she doesn't really get it, and then she makes a big mess in the bathroom trying to tear off tiny pieces of toilet paper with which she makes you blow your nose"
I have sometimes found this ridiculously logic part of my mind quite annoying. Why can't I just let myself be an emotional wreck sometimes, without talking myself out of it. But I am learning to embrace my logical, "good head on my shoulders" self. I know it gets me through tough times and out of dumb fights with my husband (fights that my emotional self tries to start for no reason, but my logical self doesn't allow)
It is a blessing. It makes me who I am. Sometimes it makes me not quite as empathetic as I one day hope to become...but finding that balance is a process. As is this grief thing. I am working through it. I am actually doing really well. Its funny that I get frustrated with myself when I can't sleep because I feel sad. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but its like I feel like I should be over everything. I don't think this means I am "moving on" or forgetting Leah. In fact, I know it doesn't. It simply means I am "moving forward." That truly is what this life is about.
A good friend recently told me that she was reading about the Savior. In her study she learned that after Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of the world and died on the cross He didn't go on vacation or take a break from His life. He continued working-teaching the people. He moved forward and continued on. I will never be asked to endure what the Savior endured. But, I know difficult times will come. They have, and they will. I am asked to remain faithful and to keep going. To keep trying- trying to serve, trying to obey, trying to teach Ella, trying to be a good wife and a good friend to those around me. Trying to be like the Savior. I can do that.
Again, another successfully therapeutic post written in the middle of the night.
I am tired now, but I will post some of the fun things we have done since I was allowed to get off the couch (looking on the bright side of that).
I have an interesting relationship with my own mind. This is a conversation that I have had somewhat frequently with myself since we lost our baby Leah.
"I feel so sad"
"Well, you should get over it, because this isn't that bad, there are lots of people who have harder things going on in their lives"
"But, I feel so sad"
"Well, you shouldn't be that sad. You should recognize all the tender mercies that have wrapped this entire experience into something you can actually feel peace and comfort about"
"I do, But, I still feel sad sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment, sorrow, regret, longing...actually physically hurts. My heart really, actually feels pain...it aches, and sometimes tears come from out of nowhere.
"Well, that's makes you normal. Life will be full of disappointments. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, no matter how disappointed you might feel in life, no matter what, the church is true. And Sorrow is an important part of life too- How else can we learn to rely on the Savior? How better to understand the Atonement? How else would we learn empathy for others? Regret? Now that is just plain stupid. You did everything you could to give your baby the best chance possible. You wrote doctors all over Washington about possible treatments, you prayed with every ounce of faith you had, you stayed in bed for 6 full weeks, only allowing 5 min showers twice/week, drinking insane amounts of water...You did everything you could. Longing? Of course you long for your baby. But this is only temporary. The promises are there if the covenants are kept. Just be patient...its really not that far away.
"I know, but it still hurts, and sometimes I still want to cry"
"Then cry. Cry as much as you need to- there is nothing wrong with that. No one will judge you for that. No one expects you to be so strong that you don't hurt sometimes. No one will think you're overly emotional if you still have hard moments only two months after you buried your baby. Its ok- cry. Sob if you have to. Just try not to cry in front of your 2 year old- she doesn't really get it, and then she makes a big mess in the bathroom trying to tear off tiny pieces of toilet paper with which she makes you blow your nose"
I have sometimes found this ridiculously logic part of my mind quite annoying. Why can't I just let myself be an emotional wreck sometimes, without talking myself out of it. But I am learning to embrace my logical, "good head on my shoulders" self. I know it gets me through tough times and out of dumb fights with my husband (fights that my emotional self tries to start for no reason, but my logical self doesn't allow)
It is a blessing. It makes me who I am. Sometimes it makes me not quite as empathetic as I one day hope to become...but finding that balance is a process. As is this grief thing. I am working through it. I am actually doing really well. Its funny that I get frustrated with myself when I can't sleep because I feel sad. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but its like I feel like I should be over everything. I don't think this means I am "moving on" or forgetting Leah. In fact, I know it doesn't. It simply means I am "moving forward." That truly is what this life is about.
A good friend recently told me that she was reading about the Savior. In her study she learned that after Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of the world and died on the cross He didn't go on vacation or take a break from His life. He continued working-teaching the people. He moved forward and continued on. I will never be asked to endure what the Savior endured. But, I know difficult times will come. They have, and they will. I am asked to remain faithful and to keep going. To keep trying- trying to serve, trying to obey, trying to teach Ella, trying to be a good wife and a good friend to those around me. Trying to be like the Savior. I can do that.
Again, another successfully therapeutic post written in the middle of the night.
I am tired now, but I will post some of the fun things we have done since I was allowed to get off the couch (looking on the bright side of that).
posted by A Wrinkle in Time at
12:23 AM
8 Comments:
I just read this post Laura, and just wanted to share with you these links. This is my aunts blog who just lost her 13 year old daughter. My aunt is amazing, like RS president, totally strong and faithful, returned missionary. I'm hoping that these two posts specifically might be comforting at this time to let you know that you are not the only one who feels like this, especially after losing a child. I can't even imagine what this feels like, but I am so sorry about the pain you are going through. I love you though! I hope we can play soon! :)
http://lovenatalee.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-will-keep-on-posting.html
http://lovenatalee.blogspot.com/2010/08/daydawn-is-breaking.html
my dear friend....you don't always have to be strong. I know it's you an di have always admired you for it but you dont have too. I wish i could be there with you for the fun times too. one of the best things i have ever read about emotion is from the book Tuesdays with Morrie and he says to let the emotion consume you and the it will be easier to move forward. you have to feel. I love you girl. thinking aout you.
hey laura isnt it crazy how our minds work and what we think we should be doing and feeling. I know i feel the same way you do i should be able to go and do the things i use to, like this weekend my family decided to go to pig out in the park no big deal right? Wrong, i was just walking around the park minding my own business and all of the sudden the water works started i couldnt tell you why or how to stop them but they came and i felt a little crazy for crying in the park, but i know that crying seems to ease the pain and always know i am here to cry with you whenever you need me. Love ya girl we are going to make it through this tough time and will look back on it and see how much it changed our lives for the better.
We've never met, but I found your blog a couple of months ago and was going through my blog feed and saw this post.
I admire your openness and honesty. I am so very sorry that you have been asked to go through this.
I agree that you should feel able to cry when you need. I often think of the song, "You're Not Alone" because there is a line that says, "And when you cry you're just letting go a heartache deep inside and tomorrow they'll be sunshine and sky and love close by." Maybe not our tomorrow, but crying does have its purpose and it's not to see who can hold their tears in best.
Praying for you and your family. Hope that your pains will ease soon.
La. Thank you for this post. I have been thinking about you a lot. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers always. Your strength and logic bring a lot of strenght to others. You are a wonderful person.
love you.
hey, I love you and think about you every day
you have become an amazing counselor. wise beyond your years, yet that's always been you. i love you so much and promise we will catch up soon.
I think that those are all normal feelings after going through what you did and are going through still. I can't believe how strong you are and you are such an example to me. Thanks. Your faith is awesome and by what you wrote it sounds like you are going through this the correct way, with the Savior and the gospel. That's exactly what Heavenly Father wants us to do. You are so amazing and I love you. I think about you often and pray that you will feel peace and our Saviors love for you and your family. Hang in there.
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