Love/Hate Relationships
I've realized I have a lot of love/hate relationships in my life. I am dedicating this post to putting a few of these down in writing in hopes that it will prove therapeutic for me and I will start to love them a little more, thereby hating them a little less.
1. Blogs.
Love:
-Serves as some form of documentation that I actually do "things" in life. Since I have almost completely given up writing in a journal I feel some satisfaction that I am keeping some kind of notes on my life for posterity purposes.
-Allows me to keep up to date with whats going on with friends without actually having to talk to anyone...helpful since ella gets serious phone envy.
Hate:
-Blog envy. This is a total confession on my part.... but lots of times after looking at people's blogs I end up just feeling completely inadequate. I'm totally throwing myself a pity party with this one but its my blog and my confession so I'll do just that. Blogs seem to be just another opportunity to paint the perfect picture of your life. (I'm definitely guilty of this too). Its easy to pick the cutest pictures of your kids and tell about the funnest vacations of the year and blog all about how wonderful your life is. A blog is obviously just a snapshot of what is going on in one's day (or one's month in my case, since that is all the more I can get myself to post) but naturally you pick the best snapshots...I just tend to get this crazy idea that everyone else is totally put together...accomplishing amazing things while raising perfect children in their potterybarn houses. I know its not the case...but sometimes I forget to remind myself that everyone has days that they would never blog about. (right?)
Spokane
-Love: Spokane is where my own little family is- and where we are making our life together. I love the cost of living here-that we can afford a house and still afford to send me to San Diego a couple times a year without having to make millions (and by millions of course I mean nothing close to millions). I do love the colors during fall here...something I never fully appreciated in SD.
There are more loves...I'm sure there are.....they are just not coming to me right now.
Hate: I get desperately homesick. Homesick for my parents and our little neighborhood on Pillsbury Lane. I'm homesick for the Santee Stake. I miss going to stake conference and feeling like its a family reunion. I miss friends that know me...really know me...so much so that being with them is just comfortable, no matter how long it has been. I have made lots of friends up here...but its not the same. i won't go into it...just not the same...not yet at least. Maybe it just takes more time than I have given it.
-I hate that I am so far away that people can't really come visit. Michelle and Anna came to visit and for that I LOVE YOU!!
Being a stay at home mom:
Love: I love, love, love being home with Ella. Watching her grow and change and knowing that I don't have to miss a thing. I love choosing activities that are not dictated by a boss or a deadline. I love not having to figure out what to wear to work everyday. I only have to pick out 4 outfits a month now (i am still working 1 day/week), the rest of the days can be pajama/sweats day if I choose (although I am making an effort to get dressed everyday and shower at least every other day....baby steps ok!!? Besides, its really dry up here..and showering everyday dries out my skin.
Hate: I hate that its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was sure I would slide gracefully and naturally into motherhood and domestication. I wanted it so badly when I was working full-time and then still at 30 hours per week for nearly the first year after ella was born. I hate that she is almost 2 now and I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to be good at it. How to balance running a house and playing with/teaching her while not totally losing myself in it all.
I hate that I can't spell anymore, have lost at least 14% of my vocabulary, writing and conversation skills and its just the first year of being a stay at home mom...and only the first child!!
Those are the love/hate relationships in my life right now. I am working through them. Am I the only one?
By the way. This has been somewhat therapeutic. This might take the place of my journal...which is a scary thought considering I plan on burning most of my journals before any posterity can actually read them- and unless I make this blog private, the inner workings of my over analytical, insecure self would become all too available for any willing reader.
1. Blogs.
Love:
-Serves as some form of documentation that I actually do "things" in life. Since I have almost completely given up writing in a journal I feel some satisfaction that I am keeping some kind of notes on my life for posterity purposes.
-Allows me to keep up to date with whats going on with friends without actually having to talk to anyone...helpful since ella gets serious phone envy.
Hate:
-Blog envy. This is a total confession on my part.... but lots of times after looking at people's blogs I end up just feeling completely inadequate. I'm totally throwing myself a pity party with this one but its my blog and my confession so I'll do just that. Blogs seem to be just another opportunity to paint the perfect picture of your life. (I'm definitely guilty of this too). Its easy to pick the cutest pictures of your kids and tell about the funnest vacations of the year and blog all about how wonderful your life is. A blog is obviously just a snapshot of what is going on in one's day (or one's month in my case, since that is all the more I can get myself to post) but naturally you pick the best snapshots...I just tend to get this crazy idea that everyone else is totally put together...accomplishing amazing things while raising perfect children in their potterybarn houses. I know its not the case...but sometimes I forget to remind myself that everyone has days that they would never blog about. (right?)
Spokane
-Love: Spokane is where my own little family is- and where we are making our life together. I love the cost of living here-that we can afford a house and still afford to send me to San Diego a couple times a year without having to make millions (and by millions of course I mean nothing close to millions). I do love the colors during fall here...something I never fully appreciated in SD.
There are more loves...I'm sure there are.....they are just not coming to me right now.
Hate: I get desperately homesick. Homesick for my parents and our little neighborhood on Pillsbury Lane. I'm homesick for the Santee Stake. I miss going to stake conference and feeling like its a family reunion. I miss friends that know me...really know me...so much so that being with them is just comfortable, no matter how long it has been. I have made lots of friends up here...but its not the same. i won't go into it...just not the same...not yet at least. Maybe it just takes more time than I have given it.
-I hate that I am so far away that people can't really come visit. Michelle and Anna came to visit and for that I LOVE YOU!!
Being a stay at home mom:
Love: I love, love, love being home with Ella. Watching her grow and change and knowing that I don't have to miss a thing. I love choosing activities that are not dictated by a boss or a deadline. I love not having to figure out what to wear to work everyday. I only have to pick out 4 outfits a month now (i am still working 1 day/week), the rest of the days can be pajama/sweats day if I choose (although I am making an effort to get dressed everyday and shower at least every other day....baby steps ok!!? Besides, its really dry up here..and showering everyday dries out my skin.
Hate: I hate that its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was sure I would slide gracefully and naturally into motherhood and domestication. I wanted it so badly when I was working full-time and then still at 30 hours per week for nearly the first year after ella was born. I hate that she is almost 2 now and I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to be good at it. How to balance running a house and playing with/teaching her while not totally losing myself in it all.
I hate that I can't spell anymore, have lost at least 14% of my vocabulary, writing and conversation skills and its just the first year of being a stay at home mom...and only the first child!!
Those are the love/hate relationships in my life right now. I am working through them. Am I the only one?
By the way. This has been somewhat therapeutic. This might take the place of my journal...which is a scary thought considering I plan on burning most of my journals before any posterity can actually read them- and unless I make this blog private, the inner workings of my over analytical, insecure self would become all too available for any willing reader.
posted by A Wrinkle in Time at
11:11 PM
8 Comments:
Thank you for this post. I have blog-envy of your writing skills.
I loved every word, and you are definitely NOT the only person that feels this way. I tend to only blog about big events in our lives (because I just don't take the time to do it), not my day-to-day life, or else there would be a lot more posts that involved things like: my teething baby, sibling rivalry, counting to ten in the bathroom so I don't lose my temper, wishing I worked out more, read my scriptures more, got out more...etc. haha:)
It was so fun visiting you in Spokane, and I had a really nice time meeting you girls for lunch the last time that you were here.
Love you Laura!
Now, now, don't be too hard on yourself! :)
Helloooooo?? I bet 99.9% of us feel this way. I used to feel blog envy but I don't anymore because I know they're all liars.
Really. One little thing from blogs and from being a sah mom that I have really come to LOVE are people who are honest and not afraid to show weakness and struggles. That's true self-security...is that a word?
(SO TRUE about losing vocabulary, etc... sometimes I feel the biggewst loser and I have to remind myself that I graduated from college)
Oh Laura, I love you!!! You are definitely NOT alone! I have felt the exact same thing many times over the past few years! About everything that you wrote! We need to get together soon! I hope to see you at my baby shower this week!
oh laura we're all there lady!! i have a love/hate relationship with working. i want to be a stay at home mom so i can spend more time with my girls and keep up with my house but then again i cant handle when one of them is sick and i cant work and im stuck at home for days on end!! its the hardest job ever being a mom! sometimes i feel like ive lost my own identity. im not erin anymore im just sophia and charlotte's mommy. which i love being, dont get me wrong, but sometimes i wish i could just be erin with no responsibilty, stresses, or pressure...i miss that girl sometimes...
I think EVERYONE has blog envy...and if they don't, then they are lying. Its a disease, and I totally have it myself...I have to definitely keep that in check and remember I don't have to do everything that everyone else does. Also the stay at home mom thing is like I was writing it myself. I feel the same way, even though I haven't ever worked since I had Noah, I felt like it would be so much easier for me...and it has really been a challenge in a lot of ways (a good challenge I suppose). I sure miss you!! Love you.
One more comment from me...:)
I read this again, because I loved it so much, and I realized that I never commented on the part about being a stay at home mom.
I feel the same way, too. I think we all do, and to be honest with you, whenever I'm around someone that LOVES everything about it, I feel like there is something wrong with them.
I love my kids & I am grateful that I get to stay home with them, but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I understand what you are saying about thinking it would all just come naturally. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and I thought it would be the most natural & easy thing in the world, but here I am three kids later and I still feel like I am just figuring out as I go along. I'm just hoping I won't mess them up too much in the process!;)
You should pack your bags and come visit me cuz im the only therapy you need.
Laura - just found your blog on Taraka's - I'm SO happy! Every single day I find myself struggling with some aspect of being a stay at home mom. My best days are when I have no expectations, but obviously can't do this EVERY day if I want to get anything extra done. It's definitely a balancing act, one of which I am STILL working on. I don't think I will ever have mastered!
On another note - we need to get together - husbands or no husbands :) Let's work something out.
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