I think I am at a very comfortable spot with the amount of readers this blog has- Very few...thereby allowing me to write whatever I want with out worrying too much about the consequences of publicly posting my deepest insecurities, which I seem to do anyway. Its just that I can't seem to write in a formal journal and a simple word document doesn't seem formal enough so this will have to do for now- come what may out of my mouth.

I am scared. I went to my doctor last week for another "what is going on" appointment. They did an ultrasound, some blood work and yet another "speculum special" exam (she must think I am used to these by now cause she only gets 1 star on the gentle scale this week). This is what they found out:
1. Baby is growing well and still has a strong, healthy heartbeat.
2. They still can't see a cause for the bleeding
3. I am anemic from the bleeding (its always nice to have an extra excuse for feeling tired- Now I can say that its truly not just because I'm a lazy pregnant women ;)
4. My amniotic fluid is on the low end of normal.

#1 = Great news! Plus, I forgot to mention that we found out we are having another girl!! We are so excited, and Jared is especially glad we don't have to buy a bunch of new stuff ;)

#2 = They are sending me to a specialist. There is a real name for this person, but I can't remember how to spell it and don't want to look it up- perinatologist?? Hopefully they will be able to figure this out.

#3 = Simple- take iron and then add lots of fiber (fiber is imperative when taking iron supplements)

#4 = The part I am really scared about. By "on the low end of normal" I mean 7. The only thing I need to know about this is that I was at a 7 on this scale with Ella at 34 wks when they sent me home on bedrest, told me to drink lots of gatorade and then ended up delivering her urgently via c-section 3 days later because the 7 did not improve

Low fluid at 18 weeks is an even scarier thing than it is at 34 weeks. Of course, I googled it-- bad idea when you have all day to lay around and think about the possible outcomes. My doctor is concerned about a few things: ruptured membranes, leaking fluid, or that my placenta is not attached correctly, which would also explain the bleeding. None of those are very hopeful situations.

I'm scared. I am really really trying to just put it all in the Lord's hands and have faith + do everything I have any control over, which right now means doing nothing (literally laying in bed all day) and drinking lots of gatorade. Honestly, my weak confession is that I feel like I am just laying around waiting to be run over by a truck. Like, I am just prolonging the inevitable. As I say that it makes me question my faith. Even Elder Oaks said in his recent conference talk that 8 out of 10 Americans still believe miracle happen. I definitely believe in miracles, but how can you be filled with so much fear and anxiety when you claim to have faith? The two totally contradict each other. I think I do have faith. I have faith in the fact that the Lord has the absolute ability to make this all work out, and come November, a new, healthy, little girl will come right home with us just 24 hours after an uncomplicated VBAC delivery. I know He CAN make that happen. I guess my fear comes in when I realize that this might not be His will. I got permission from my doctor to go to church today because there were some special things happening. (I will write about those later). In the closing hymn there was a line that read, "Give me the courage to do Thy will" I can not tell you how much those few words have resonated with me all day. Of course, that is where the truest test of faith comes. It is easy to have faith through a trial that works out the way I want it to. But, what about a trial that doesn't?

OK- so even as I am writing this I keep thinking, "Hard things happen to people- even harder things than bedrest....or miscarriage....or....let's not go down this road anymore" But hard things do happen- and it seems like strong people handle these hard things with grace and dignity. Without complaint, without doubt--full of faith. I just worry that I'm not one of those people yet.

About two years ago I read the blog of someone I had never met, or even heard of before (talk about blog stalking). I came across it through a mutual friend's blog. This lady had lost her 18 month old daughter in a drowning accident and wrote very openly about this tragedy and her grieving process. I cried, literally, each night for over 2 weeks thinking about her loss- and then Jared told me I really shouldn't read her blog anymore as he was concerned about the amount of stress it was causing me. (He also told me I shouldn't watch the news anymore after he came home once I was sitting on the couch in front of the evening news crying). I truly felt as if I had lost a tiny piece of my own heart for this lady that I didn't even know. I was so sad that I wasn't sure I could handle it, and it wasn't even my trial to handle. If I can hardly handle other people's trials, how will I be able to handle one of my own? Of course I have had some hard things happen- but they all seem deal-able...is that a word? I think its "bearable" I should be using. Trials that are hard for "a minute" or "a month" but then they've worked out and I move on. How do you know if you have enough faith for, or rather when, the really hard things come?

Writing this post, as usual, has been very therapeutic. For now, I have concluded that I don't have to, and won't even be able to figure this out tonight. I will just have to wait, with faith, and find out what the Lord's will is for me and this baby. I think its ok to cry and to worry- and even to tell some of the women in my ward about it, and even to call my whole family and ask them to fast for me. This is not a sign of weakness although I never tell people in my ward things like this, because I don't like to broadcast my problems or concerns out there. But at this point I am willing to ask to for all the prayers I can get. After all, that is part of the do all I can do part, right?