Trickster
Grief is a tricky little thing. It has got the best of me at the moment, so, like I have very wisely been advised to, I am letting it work me over a bit. Writing a post that will most likely never be published usually helps (it has proven helpful so many times over the past two months) so I will write this one now.
I have an interesting relationship with my own mind. This is a conversation that I have had somewhat frequently with myself since we lost our baby Leah.
"I feel so sad"
"Well, you should get over it, because this isn't that bad, there are lots of people who have harder things going on in their lives"
"But, I feel so sad"
"Well, you shouldn't be that sad. You should recognize all the tender mercies that have wrapped this entire experience into something you can actually feel peace and comfort about"
"I do, But, I still feel sad sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment, sorrow, regret, longing...actually physically hurts. My heart really, actually feels pain...it aches, and sometimes tears come from out of nowhere.
"Well, that's makes you normal. Life will be full of disappointments. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, no matter how disappointed you might feel in life, no matter what, the church is true. And Sorrow is an important part of life too- How else can we learn to rely on the Savior? How better to understand the Atonement? How else would we learn empathy for others? Regret? Now that is just plain stupid. You did everything you could to give your baby the best chance possible. You wrote doctors all over Washington about possible treatments, you prayed with every ounce of faith you had, you stayed in bed for 6 full weeks, only allowing 5 min showers twice/week, drinking insane amounts of water...You did everything you could. Longing? Of course you long for your baby. But this is only temporary. The promises are there if the covenants are kept. Just be patient...its really not that far away.
"I know, but it still hurts, and sometimes I still want to cry"
"Then cry. Cry as much as you need to- there is nothing wrong with that. No one will judge you for that. No one expects you to be so strong that you don't hurt sometimes. No one will think you're overly emotional if you still have hard moments only two months after you buried your baby. Its ok- cry. Sob if you have to. Just try not to cry in front of your 2 year old- she doesn't really get it, and then she makes a big mess in the bathroom trying to tear off tiny pieces of toilet paper with which she makes you blow your nose"
I have sometimes found this ridiculously logic part of my mind quite annoying. Why can't I just let myself be an emotional wreck sometimes, without talking myself out of it. But I am learning to embrace my logical, "good head on my shoulders" self. I know it gets me through tough times and out of dumb fights with my husband (fights that my emotional self tries to start for no reason, but my logical self doesn't allow)
It is a blessing. It makes me who I am. Sometimes it makes me not quite as empathetic as I one day hope to become...but finding that balance is a process. As is this grief thing. I am working through it. I am actually doing really well. Its funny that I get frustrated with myself when I can't sleep because I feel sad. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but its like I feel like I should be over everything. I don't think this means I am "moving on" or forgetting Leah. In fact, I know it doesn't. It simply means I am "moving forward." That truly is what this life is about.
A good friend recently told me that she was reading about the Savior. In her study she learned that after Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of the world and died on the cross He didn't go on vacation or take a break from His life. He continued working-teaching the people. He moved forward and continued on. I will never be asked to endure what the Savior endured. But, I know difficult times will come. They have, and they will. I am asked to remain faithful and to keep going. To keep trying- trying to serve, trying to obey, trying to teach Ella, trying to be a good wife and a good friend to those around me. Trying to be like the Savior. I can do that.
Again, another successfully therapeutic post written in the middle of the night.
I am tired now, but I will post some of the fun things we have done since I was allowed to get off the couch (looking on the bright side of that).
I have an interesting relationship with my own mind. This is a conversation that I have had somewhat frequently with myself since we lost our baby Leah.
"I feel so sad"
"Well, you should get over it, because this isn't that bad, there are lots of people who have harder things going on in their lives"
"But, I feel so sad"
"Well, you shouldn't be that sad. You should recognize all the tender mercies that have wrapped this entire experience into something you can actually feel peace and comfort about"
"I do, But, I still feel sad sometimes. Sometimes the disappointment, sorrow, regret, longing...actually physically hurts. My heart really, actually feels pain...it aches, and sometimes tears come from out of nowhere.
"Well, that's makes you normal. Life will be full of disappointments. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, no matter how disappointed you might feel in life, no matter what, the church is true. And Sorrow is an important part of life too- How else can we learn to rely on the Savior? How better to understand the Atonement? How else would we learn empathy for others? Regret? Now that is just plain stupid. You did everything you could to give your baby the best chance possible. You wrote doctors all over Washington about possible treatments, you prayed with every ounce of faith you had, you stayed in bed for 6 full weeks, only allowing 5 min showers twice/week, drinking insane amounts of water...You did everything you could. Longing? Of course you long for your baby. But this is only temporary. The promises are there if the covenants are kept. Just be patient...its really not that far away.
"I know, but it still hurts, and sometimes I still want to cry"
"Then cry. Cry as much as you need to- there is nothing wrong with that. No one will judge you for that. No one expects you to be so strong that you don't hurt sometimes. No one will think you're overly emotional if you still have hard moments only two months after you buried your baby. Its ok- cry. Sob if you have to. Just try not to cry in front of your 2 year old- she doesn't really get it, and then she makes a big mess in the bathroom trying to tear off tiny pieces of toilet paper with which she makes you blow your nose"
I have sometimes found this ridiculously logic part of my mind quite annoying. Why can't I just let myself be an emotional wreck sometimes, without talking myself out of it. But I am learning to embrace my logical, "good head on my shoulders" self. I know it gets me through tough times and out of dumb fights with my husband (fights that my emotional self tries to start for no reason, but my logical self doesn't allow)
It is a blessing. It makes me who I am. Sometimes it makes me not quite as empathetic as I one day hope to become...but finding that balance is a process. As is this grief thing. I am working through it. I am actually doing really well. Its funny that I get frustrated with myself when I can't sleep because I feel sad. It doesn't happen very much anymore, but its like I feel like I should be over everything. I don't think this means I am "moving on" or forgetting Leah. In fact, I know it doesn't. It simply means I am "moving forward." That truly is what this life is about.
A good friend recently told me that she was reading about the Savior. In her study she learned that after Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of the world and died on the cross He didn't go on vacation or take a break from His life. He continued working-teaching the people. He moved forward and continued on. I will never be asked to endure what the Savior endured. But, I know difficult times will come. They have, and they will. I am asked to remain faithful and to keep going. To keep trying- trying to serve, trying to obey, trying to teach Ella, trying to be a good wife and a good friend to those around me. Trying to be like the Savior. I can do that.
Again, another successfully therapeutic post written in the middle of the night.
I am tired now, but I will post some of the fun things we have done since I was allowed to get off the couch (looking on the bright side of that).
posted by A Wrinkle in Time at
12:23 AM
8 Comments
